Events in life have a way of shaping us. It has been my observation and experience that events whether they are happy or sad, joyful or tragic or victorious or enduring loss all have a knack for changing us. I do not believe that one navigates life and all the ebbs and flows involved without those events changing us. In most cases when these life changing events come to pass, we all have choices in how we will proceed through life. As a believer in Jesus Christ and believer in the absolute sovereignty of God, I do not believe there is any event that befalls us that is not ordered by the sovereignty of God. If we believe that God is surprised or uninvolved in the events that shape our life then we cannot believe what God says and demonstrates about His character. I do believe though that where the free will of man enters the picture concerning these events is how we respond and the choices we make as a result of life events. For some events that we perceive as tragic, sad or loss, a life of bitterness, sadness and chaos is the result because we allow these feelings to dominate our life and define who we are and how we live. For others, when these same events happen their life make resemble the mythical phoenix rising from the ashes. When life smiles or blesses on us, some will become conceited and full of themselves and yet others will recognize where these smiles and blessings come from and choose to remain humble and share the joy of those mountaintop moments with others while giving glory to God. The fact of the matter though is that much like Job in the scriptures no matter the affairs of life we should give God the glory because everything in life whether perceived as good or bad is for His glory and our good. Personally, I have been allowed by God to navigate the good, the bad and the ugly of life. In losing my bride for example, for a period of time I struggled finding joy, love and peace. I believe these struggles are quite natural for all of us in the human experience. While these struggles are natural, what I have discovered is there must be a place we come to where there is a decision, a choice that must be made that will determine how we will live out our days. In my own experience, I determined that for me there are three key components that have helped my embrace becoming the mythical phoenix that rises from the ashes. Those components are love, joy and peace. On the surface these three things sound so simple, but yet for me they have and are still shaping my life. First, peace is that thing that cannot be purchased, manufactured or be gained from material things. True peace for me comes from first knowing that I am in a right place with our Lord where eternity is concerned. It also comes from a place of being contented with the place you find yourself at where life is concerned. For me, I have peace in the knowledge that our sovereign Lord directs each step of our life and He does not make mistakes. It’s the peace that if my life is pleasing to God then I will not concern myself with how anyone else might try to define what peace should look like in my life. Secondly, joy is a natural by product of peace. We wake each morning with a few basic choices to make concerning that day. One of those things is will we determine to exist in the realm of joy or will we choose to allow the joy-killers of life to steal our joy? What does joy look like? Well, that is an answer that looks different for every person. The things we find joy in differs greatly for each person. I find joy these days in the little things that probably for many years I took for granted. Seeing a sunrise, the sound of birds singing in the morning air, noticing the subtle changes in my garden from day to day, observing a starry sky against the drapery of space, the crackle of fire in a fire pit or just quiet moment reading the scriptures and quite reflection on what I’ve read or a song playing in the background whose lyrics tell the story of the musician that wrote the lyrics. Thirdly, is the component of love. For so many when life throws us a curveball, our love of life and our desire to love or be loved can be crippled. 1 Corinthians 13 is a whole chapter concerning the importance of love. The synopsis of this portion of scripture is that love rules over all the other attributes of life. God created us out of love and created us to love others and receive love. In this stage and journey of my own life love has become that thing that I have found that must needed to be cultivated, rediscovered and that is the biggest contributing factor to embracing joy and peace. I have always loved my family especially my girls and my grands, but with the events of this past year and nearly two months I have determined to love and appreciate them more deeply. My girls bring me much joy in seeing how they have navigated life and all the challenges it presents. They make this daddy very proud! My grands are a joy all of their own! Watching them grow up and seeing their individual personalities develop brings me joy overflowing. The joy of being called Pops is something that words cannot express properly. As I have moved through this 14 month journey, I began to long for love that can only be found in the companionship of that one person to do life with and thankfully through prayer and yes navigating this complicated world of dating in your 50’s I believe God has blessed me to rediscover this missing part of love. I’m one of those weird people that believes in that “it” component of love when you discover that person and yes, I believe that “it” moment has become a real thing again in my life. One of my precious bride’s wishes was that I would find this again in life because she knew the importance of this love because we shared this love for 34 wonderful years. When I reflect on those conversations with her during those last weeks and months, I am overwhelmed with gratefulness for her unselfish love for me. I do not believe for a moment that I could have the peace that I have in this area of my life right now if not for those very hard conversations, but now I am thankful for those conversations. I have dated in these last few months, but until I met Teresa Ann I had not felt that “it”. I get it for some reading this you may say, its too soon, its not right, etc., but one of the things that I have said often and that I have taken on as defining statement on my life is, “Outside of God, I will not allow anyone to define my happiness”. I have found and I am existing in a place of joy, peace and once again love and for that I am grateful beyond measure! I look forward to this journey of life now and cannot wait to experience all the adventures and events that it holds in store for me!
Thoughts of a Sojourner
Thoughts, Wanderings & Adventures of a Sojourner
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Over the last few weeks, I have shared about rediscovering joy in life and one of the things that is a huge part of this journey of joy is living to embrace life. I think so many people busy themselves up with inconsequential things that they forget that great happiness, joy and contentment is found in the concept of embracing life. How would I define the embracing of life for me? That is the question I want to deal with in this writing. Most of what I will share include are things and concepts that can bring joy no matter who you are or where you are in your life at the moment. First, we must look at this life that God has blessed us with as a gift of His grace. I am overwhelmed at just the thought that our Creator allowed me to be born in such a time as this! It is a gift that each day we are blessed with the just being able to awake to a new day with adventure and new things to discover. Honestly for most of my life, I didn’t slow down enough to think of life from this prospective. I realize that life can get busy and some days are we hardly have time to stop and just take a deep breath, but we must take time to slow down from time to time and just take in the blessings, the little things that surround us each day. Secondly, I have made it a point to simplify things where life is concerned. Much like Spring cleaning or cleaning out a closet, it is good to periodically sit back and evaluate our life and take time to purge those things that weigh us down, but offer no value added experiences to our life. For some it may be the unending pursuit of material things. Jesus shared a parable of a rich fool in Luke in Luke 12 that spent his life pursuing and piling up material things that really counted for nothing. The fool sat back one day and patted himself on the back for all that he cluttered his life up with, but that night the Lord came to him in a dream and ask him “…Fool, this night your soul is required of you, and the things you have prepared, whose will they be?” (Luke 12:20). Ive often wondered what this rich fool may have missed in his life of stress and the compulsive pursuit of material things. I wonder what he missed out in his children’s lives. I wonder about the bond between he and his wife. I wonder how many of the small, beautiful things that life offers up had been missed. Thirdly, so many miss out on love for their family, time with those that they should love more, love and admiration for this natural world that God has painted like a canvas for us to enjoy and most importantly our love ad fellowship with God Himself. To miss out on love is to miss out on the most cherished thing that God hard wired us to enjoy. I suppose of all the things in an earthly sense that has and is the most important ingredient in embracing life for me is being intentional in this area. I have found in this last year that I have a great desire to love my family big. To embrace and grow the love I have for my girls and my grands! The love and appreciation that I have for my extended family – my mom, brother and his family, nieces, nephews, church family. Another thing that recently I have embraced is the pursuit of love that I enjoyed with Kim for so many years. I think it is unfathomable to think that I could love that deeply as a husband and companion and never long for that again. I am thankful that God has sparked the desire for this again in my life. Recently, the Lord has helped me to begin to rediscover love in this way again and I am overwhelmed by God’s grace in this area. I am happier than I have been in a year! I am overwhelmed by how God answered this prayer and put me in a place to begin to find this love again which was one of things that my bride unselfishly prayed and desired for me.
I am excited about all these areas of embracing life that I enjoy during this season of life. I have a renewed sense of joy in this journey and cannot wait to see where God leads in this sojourn. So in closing this writing out, I want to encourage you the reader to become intentional about embracing life!
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In my last writing, I shared about my rediscovering joy and what it looked like in my life. As I have thought about this rediscovery, my mind has shifted to the question of “Why a Journey of Joy?”. In this life we are faced with many obstacles. Some of those obstacles are built out of our own choices, but there are many that life just places in our life journey. In facing this life of ups and downs, we have two basic choices. We can navigate life with a negative attitude that never sees and experiences the joy that God intends for us to have in this life or we can live with and live life with an attitude of joy!. As a believer, we are gifted with the spiritual gift of joy (Galatians 5:22-23). I have discovered in these last months to truly embrace life, we must approach it with an attitude of joy. A journey of joy is cultivated and is a constant work in progress. I believe it has to be lived with intentionality and a desire to take each day as it comes and determine to find joy in it. Certainly some days are harder to find joy in, but I believe even in the hardest of circumstances the opportunity to experience joy is always there in the midst of that day. Joy does not always come easy. It does not always present itself in an obvious way. At times, joy music be searched for in order to be experienced. Joy for the day may be hidden away in some places that we will never discover if we are unwilling to come out from under past mistakes, past trauma or tragedy or simply open our eyes and look for it. Sadly, some people live as though they would prefer to live in the doldrums and negativity of life. Understand, I do not know your past, trauma or tragedy that you have experienced or even where you are now, but I do know that God did not design you in His image to live a life in the shadows of joy, but rather to burst out into the light of joy that He has gifted you with and designed you to experience and live out. God has blessed us so much with so many opportunities to experience joy if we will only set our face on that journey. Many times those opportunities must be pursued and cannot be experienced by just sitting and waiting on those things to pursue you. I have found joy in so many things in the last 5-6 months. I have made a commitment to myself to travel and experience places that I have sit and said, I’ll go there one day. I have found joy in the natural world that I was able to experience up close and personal. I have found joy in meeting so many different and interesting people in those travels. In meeting these people, I learned to find joy in learning many of their stories especially the ones whose life story differed greatly from mine. I found a refreshing joy in my hobbies – gardening, building things from my own hands, a renewed love for music and different genres of music, fishing and yes now, even raising my own flock of chickens. All these things bring joy in what each one offers. From gardening, I find joy in planting something and then watching the natural process that takes place to bring life and produce from a single seed or a small plant that is planted. From building something, to be able to take raw materials and create something that is usable and serves a purpose brings joy. When it comes to music, a song that tells a story leaves me in awe of the creative genius of a songwriter that can through his/her music take your mind into the song and feel the raw emotion of the music. From fishing, simply getting out and experiencing nature in its rawest form brings joy. Just observing the flow of the water around and over rocks or pulling that fish out of the water and in many cases just looking at that creature and imagining the joy our God got out of painting such a living portrait for us to enjoy. And yes I find joy in those dang chickens! they way they interact with other, build a sense of community, form habits and have even become attached to me brings me joy. This journey of joy has caused me to find more joy in watching my girls live their lives. It is a joyful and satisfying experience to watch them map out and navigate their own journeys and I find joy in thinking that maybe God allowed me to play some small part in helping them prepare for their life. The joy of watching my grands come into this world and watch them as they grow into the persons that God has specially designed them to be. I have also began to find joy in the dating world that I have now ventured into these last few months. I have explained to a few people like this. I was blessed to experience love in a marriage for over three decades. A love that is unequaled in any other relationship other than my relationship with my Lord. I cannot imagine living my life for the rest of the time God blesses me to have and never desire that love again. At this point I will say that I get it, some people that have experienced that kind of love are satisfied to not pursue it again and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that for even in this circumstance joy can still be experienced, but for me my prayer has become that God will allow me to experience that type love again and I believe that he will. I know and believe that it is God’s will for my life and I know that it was the desire of my bride that I experience that kind of love again in life. Through this process, I am beginning to rediscover the joy what it feels like to experience the companionship that is only found in another person. I am grateful that God is allowing me to rediscover and set out on my journey of joy and I look forward to not only the joy I am discovering each day in all these things listed in this writing, but I am also looking forward to yet untapped things that God has out there that I hopefully will discover new joys in day by day.
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“For who hath despised the day of small things?” – Zechariah 4:10a
I ran across this portion of scripture in my bible reading a few days ago and it caught my attention. I am planning to spend a few writings on “What Joy Rediscovered Looks Like” because that is where I am at in my life at this very moment. When I read and re-read the above verse, I thought this is the key that unlocks rediscovering joy in our life. As we travail this life, we are guaranteed to encounter peaks and valleys, high and lows, moments of elation and moments of tumult and moments of rejoicing and moments of tragedy & heartbreak. The Bible speaks of and demonstrates this principle throughout the pages of sacred scripture. One thing though, I believe, is that the Lord never intends for us to remain in a state of valleys, lows, tumult and heartbreak. The psalmist in Psalm 30:5 declares “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning”. Personally, I have endured the night of weeping, but thanks be to God I am discovering the reality that joy does indeed come in the morning! Does this mean that I don’t still have momentary times of weeping? Of course not! A certain song, a picture, a video that suddenly appears in my memories on Facebook can all trigger a moment of that night of weeping. I think these things are all quite natural when you have experienced the loss of a loved one and especially a spouse. The thing I am realizing now though is those “nights” are much shorter and the days of joy are expanding as I experience life on the other side of the nighttime of weeping.
So what about these small things? What are they? How do you begin to see and experience them? Well, first of all I think these small things are different for everyone because the things that bring joy are different for everyone, but the common thread is that our Creator designed us to live with joy! The small things that I have learned not to despise or put in a better way, the small things that I strive not to overlook are varied. When it comes to interpersonal matters and relationships, it can be something as simple as a smile shared, a hug, a kind word or a word of encouragement received or given. Where family is concerned it is noticing the subtleties of noticing and being proud of how your children tackle life. It is relishing moments with our grandchildren and watching them grow up in the little ways. The little ways they grow up not only physically, but in intelligence, their interests, their emotions and dreams. It is the little moments you get to spend with a parent if you are blessed enough to still have them in your life. It is also the interpersonal relationships with people outside the family circle. For me in this stage of my journey, it is discovering the blessings of new friendships, meeting new people, perhaps a hand to hold, an ear to listen and if the moment is right maybe a kiss to be shared (I know mushy…lol). When it comes to things outside of interpersonal relationships and the creation that God has blessed us with, I have become intentional about noticing the little things in the natural world and striving to learn more about those things. I went hiking for most of the day and took time to notice so many things. Everything from a small millipede crawling on the side of a cliff face to a bird song that I have never heard. I sat back in awe of the way the wind blew through the forest and the trees swayed in unison like a dance troop. I noticed the formations of rocks that likely have stood since this world was created, but yet altered over time in looks by the wind and rain just as we are altered by the events of our life. All of these things, if we will just slow life down a little, will lend themselves to bring a spark of joy into our lives. Notice I said slow down! Slow down, embrace, notice and taken in these small things. Relish in those small moments that I like to call “God winks”. When we let the perceived problems life can throw at us consume us, we miss this “small things” that are in actuality very LARGE for they are the things that can help us rediscover, feed and sustain joy in our lives. Remember, don’t despise/overlook the day of small things!
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At the time of this writing, Kim has been in heaven for just over a year and in this past year and two weeks I have experienced so many ups and downs and a myriad of emotions. I have been acquainted with crushing heartbreak, grief, depression and joy. As I visited her grave today and placed new flowers for Spring, the same feeling of “this still just doesn’t seem real” visits my emotions, but I always walk away from that place with the knowledge that she is residing in a place that knows no grief, sorrow, disease, pain or even the parameters of time. I find great comfort in that these days and more as each day passes. In these last few months I have experienced almost what I would call a rebirth of joy in life and a great desire to embrace all that this life has to offer. I realize there may be some that read this entry and do not understand how I could find this joy and this desire to embrace life. Also, there may be some that would ask what this rebirth of joy and this new embrace of life looks like for me because maybe they are in a similar situation and have that same desire. First, I want to say that I do not share these things looking for anyone’s approval because first of all, we are designed, especially as believers in Christ, to have a spirit of joy even in times of heartache and trial. Secondly, as shared before I see it as honoring my bride because her desire based on our deep, intimate conversations about my life without her was that she desired that I rediscover this joy, embrace life and if the opportunity presents itself to find love again. Understand these were not easy conversations in those moments, but now looking back I am overwhelmed with thanksgiving that she loved me enough to want these things for me. Those conversations are source now of peace and contentment. So what does this joy and embrace of life look like at the moment? One thing I have been intentional about is slowing life down and enjoying the little, everyday things. The peacefulness of a quiet morning enjoying a cup of coffee on my deck and watching the sun rise. I have grown spiritually and found great joy in this growth because so many of the attributes of God (His faithfulness, grace, mercy, love, sovereignty, justice, creative power, etc) have presented themselves in overwhelming ways during this past year. I have felt His presence and comfort in the darkest hours of grief and depression. I have felt the sufficiency of grace and mercy when I would ask Him so many “Why questions” in those months following Kim’s death. I have found comfort in His sovereignty in knowing that none of what I and my family have experienced surprised Him. I have found joy in continuing to be blessed to be the dad of my two precious daughters and watching them become independent, successful women. I have found joy in continuing to see my grandchildren grow up and joy in being their Pops. I have found joy in my hobbies and studying those hobbies in a way that challenges me to always find a way to be better at those things I enjoy doing. I could really go on for hours listing all the things that I find joy in doing and experiencing. Joy is not just the emotion of smiling and laughing. I have found that joy can come in just enjoying the quiet moments of life where peace and contentment rule the day. Embracing life looks very similar, but it is different. In determining to embrace life, I look at this as living life to the fullest. I have embraced traveling and seeing things that across this great country that will leave you in awe of God’s creative power. In these travels this past year, I have not only seen some amazing things, but I have met some amazing people from across our country. People that are different from me, but I have learned that by and large they are good people with interesting stories behind their lives. I have learned even when we encounter people that look different, believe different and act different there is always something we can learn from them and if we treat people with which we differ with kindness and respect they just might walk away having learned something from us. In embracing life, it is greatly limiting negativity and the drama that so many seem to wallow in daily. Life is too short and too fleeting to allow those things to dominate your thinking and allowing those things to determine your outlook on life. Life is too short to wring our hands and stress over things we cannot control. In embracing life, my personal walk and worship time with my brothers and sisters in Christ each week feels sweeter and more precious. Finally, the most intimidating thing I am walking through these last few months is starting the journey of dating. I get it! For some they may say “How could you?” or “It’s not the right time”, but again in doing this I am honoring the unselfish wishes of my bride. As I shared in a previous blog entry, I made a determination that other than God’s standards and His perfect will, not to allow others to determine my happiness in life. I have shared with several people that after experiencing the love and marriage that Kim and I shared how could I not desire to experience this type of love and companionship again in this life. I firmly believe God created all of us for companionship. He set this standard very early from the creation itself when he said “It is not good for man to be alone” (Genesis 2:18). So I have started this new journey in life not really knowing where it will take me, but my hope and desire is to find joy in this journey and embrace life in traversing this new journey. To be sure, rediscovering joy and a new embrace of living life to the fullest is a process that should be ongoing and my prayer is that I discover new joy everyday and find new ways to embrace life as long as the Lord gives me breath. My prayer in this is not only for me, but also for you that take the time to read these blog entries. Remember God designed you to live with joy and embrace every minute that He has blessed you with so get out there live with joy and embrace the day!
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I have not posted in a couple of weeks because I knew today’s date was coming up and I knew I would want to share my thoughts. On this date, one year ago at 2:15am, my life would be shaken to its core. My precious bride of 34 1/2 years went home to be with her Lord. I have had many texts and calls today which have been a great encouragement. I’ve shared with several people that while today is for sure a somber day, I also am very thankful to our Lord that He blessed me with 39 1/2 years (we dated for 5 years) with such a beautiful (inside and out) wife. Kim and I enjoyed life together so much and made so many memories together. I could spend hours just writing about all the adventures we shared during our marriage. As I said in a previous post, I knew from the very beginning that I had found the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and God made that happen. I have come to realize in this year how blessed I was to have a 34 year journey with such a woman as Kimberly Michelle Crouch. There are so many things that I miss, I suppose it would take me all night to list them all. I do want to share a few of them though. For you that knew Kim well, some of these will bring a smile and hopefully even laughter. I miss just the sound of her voice in our home. I miss the way she would say my name and would say “I love you”. Even after 34 years of marriage it still melted my heart to hear those words. I don’t think we ever parted ways that we didn’t tell each other that we loved one another. Even the night she passed away, as she laid back down in the bed minutes before she passed, we told each other that we loved each other. I would not take all the riches the world offers in exchange for those few seconds. I miss her sassiness and yes she could be sassy…lol. I miss her infectious laughter! If I were to be in a building of thousands of people, I could pick that laughter out in a second! I miss the moments when she would get exasperated with me and call me Bobby Joe (that was her “aggravated with me nickname” that she called me). I miss the being told, “You are a perpetual 12 year old boy” when I would get something on my shirt while eating or tear my clothes at work. In those moments she would also often say, “Your mother deserves many stars in her crown one day”…lol. I miss her cooking wizardry. Wow, she was probably the best cook I have ever known! I miss seeing her work her magic in the kitchen and then seeing her happy to watch others enjoy the results of her cooking skills. I miss those quiet evenings when we would just sit and watch episodes of our favorite TV show, Seinfeld, together. I miss those road trips to the beach with our family. I miss she and I singing duets to whatever tunes we happen to be playing. Our personal favorite was “Jackson” by Johnny and June Carter Cash. If you were one of daughter’s friends that had the privilege of making those trips with us, you were treated to this song! I miss those days when we would work in the garden or in her flowers together. Kim was a worker and much like her daddy, Billy, she was not very good at just sitting around doing nothing. I miss seeing the impact she had on the young children that she kept over the years along with the way she mentored a lot of those same young mothers of those children. I miss our time each week that we worshipped together with our church family and enjoyed our time with our Sunday School class. I miss hearing that sweet voice singing in our church choir. She loved to sing. She always said she would loved to be able to sing in a massive choir so I can’t fathom the thrill it must be for her to maybe be singing with the saints in glory, face to face with our Lord. I miss her encouraging words, her counsel, her discernment, her wisdom and her sweet spirit. I also miss her boldness even in the face of the disease that would eventually take her life. Even in her darkest days, she always lived with confidence and joy because she knew that in the end she would be victorious. I miss our dates! Yes we dated each other throughout our marriage. Whether it was a weekend away in a cabin in the hills of Tennessee, a Saturday morning breakfast date at a local Waffle House or dinner at one of our favorite restaurants followed by a movie, we cherished those moments together. I miss her competitive spirit! If you ever played a game with Kim, you know that she was a fierce competitor and played to win. I adored the way she loved our girls and poured herself into them. She was their greatest cheerleader no matter what they were participating in and she was all in to those activities. She loved being a band mom when Lillian was part of East Limestone High School’s band. She was one of those band moms that many of the kids gravitated to because she was not only fun, but they also knew she would shoot them straight and even straighten them out if they needed and they loved her for both of these reasons. She loved those weekends of band competitions and going to support our oldest baby girl. She then loved being that same way in being a softball mom for Olivia. Just like with band competitions, she traveled many miles to sit and cheer the babygirl on whether it was in the broiling heat of the summer or the chilly evenings of those early season games in February. As this day comes to a close and I reflect on this year, it has seemed very slow and at the same time very fast. As I visited the cemetery today and placed two of her favorites on the headstone (a bouquet of pink roses and a Diet Pepsi), sure I shed some tears because her being gone ripped a hole in my heart, but I was also overcome with thankfulness for the time we shared as husband and wife, best friends, lovers, confidants and parents. I am truly blessed to have called Kim my Bride and I am a better man today for God having placed us together as husband and wife on August 17, 1990. I have not lost my bride for I know exactly where she is this very moment and I long for the day that I will see her again with that beautiful smile in a glorified and heal state. Until then, I will do as she told me in one of our last conversations about life after she was gone. She told me not spend the rest of my life grieving, but to embrace and live life to the fullest. I believe in doing this I honor her memory the greatest. I will end this writing by saying this, “Until we meet again in glory at the time of our Lord’s choosing, I will always love you, my precious bride”.
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A quote by Pastor John Piper that I read very early during my grieving process goes as follows: “Occasionally weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.” The process of grieving is just that…a process. Some things I have discovered in my process of grieving are that grief looks different, feels different and is handled different for each person that is navigating the journey of grief. When listening and talking to others about their own personal grief journey, I am very careful not to tell them “how” they should be navigating their process because there really is no common way to navigate grief. I have learned this through years of ministry as a pastor, but more importantly because I now have real world, personal experience in this journey. I would encourage everyone reading this entry to be very careful about critiquing how someone appears to be walking their grief journey. Situations are different because the death of a loved one can take many forms. It can depend on many things. At times it occurs suddenly and unexpectedly. It may come after a long, grueling illness. It may come tragically or it may come in the form of relief that brings an end to extreme suffering for one that you love. Any way that this death occurs there will still be grieving to have to process through for the one(s) left behind. “So what about your journey Keith?” you may ask because after all that is what I am writing about in this blog. First I will tell you that I am still navigating the process. The process of course looks and feels different at this point than it did a 11 months ago, 6 months ago and even a month ago. I can tell you from a personal standpoint my faith in the Lord and more importantly God’s faithfulness have been and continue to be the things that sustain and strengthen me the most. I have thought and continue to think on this question: “How would Kim have wanted me to handle losing her?”. I reflect on this question often because Kim and I talked about my life after her presence here often especially during that last year of her life. Our relationship was one built on trust, openness about our feelings and reality. I am so thankful we had those talks now even though they were hard to talk about when she was still with me. I am thankful because of how it has helped me to learn how to live life today in this present place I find myself. Going back to the quote I shared in the beginning of this post, I want to share a few things of how I have seen myself live out the things mentioned in the words of John Piper. First, concerning “weeping deeply over the life you hoped for..”, trust me, I have shed many tears in the last 11 months and 14 days. The weeping varied and still varies in intensity, length of weeping and reasons for weeping. One thing is for sure and that is that tears are for healing of the emotions and the physical well being of the individual. Secondly, “..grieve the losses..” Grief is defined by Webster’s Dictionary as:”Pain of mind on account of something in the past”. On a personal level, I’m not sure my grief over Kim will ever end as long as the Lord allows me to have a mind that remembers our love for one another. I do believe that as time marches on that grief looks and will look different. Grief does not always involve tears and extreme sadness. It will at times involve these things of course, but it may also come in the form of a smile or a laugh when thinking about certain things that would have brought a smile or laugh from her or both of us together. Remember grief is different for everyone! Thirdly, “…wash your face..” reminds me that there was a point when I had to arise out of the time of shutting down emotionally. When I think of “…wash your face..”, I am reminded of the biblical narrative of King David in how he handled the loss of his first child that died from 2 Samuel 12:15-24. verse 20 in this passage says, “Then David arose from the earth and washed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped…”. In this, I also know that Kim’s desire was that I move to a point of “arising and washing my face”. What does this mean to me though? It simply means I had to reach a point that I had to arise and set my face on the future with the faith that God still has a plan for my life and much life to yet live. Fourthly, “…trust God..” is perhaps the most important principle expressed in the quote. Kim and I trusted God throughout her battle with cancer. I can honestly say that I have not felt angry with God during this whole process, but I have asked the “why questions” during her illness and after her passing. Why did my bride get this disease? Why is my wife having to endure this suffering? Why did you choose to take my bride at this stage of our life? These are just a sampling of the questions. I don’t believe there is any sin in asking God why, but we also should rest in our faith that God is not surprised by anything in our life. He is absolutely sovereign over every aspect and in that I have found and continue to find great comfort. In thinking about this trust of God, the place that I came to was that I have absolute trust in the fact that February 21, 2025 at 2:15am was the perfect time for my wife to go to heaven. Perfect because it was the moment that our sovereign Lord chose to bring her home to His presence. Did that perfect timing of God mean that it didn’t bring great pain and distress? NO! It did hurt, but as time went on the reality is that I didn’t lose Kim. I know exactly where she is right now and I know that in the time of God’s sovereign choosing I will see her again. Is there still pain concerning her not being here with me? Sure there is still pain, but the balm of God’s peace that He gives me soothes that pain more as each day passes. Finally, “…And embrace life..” is where I am living right now. In losing my bride, I have come to realize in an intense way that God has given me the blessing of life today and each day that He allows me to walk the topside of this world. As I have shared earlier, Kim was adamant in those final talks that we had that I get through the initial grieving and then get back to living. Life is fleeting! The Bible tells us that it is like a vapor. It is here for a moment and then gone (James 4:14). I have determined to honor Kim’s wishes and embrace living life again! I have decided to quit putting off things that I have always wanted to do, experience and see. I have decided, as stated in previous posts, not to allow anyone else to determine my happiness in life and outside of God’s will & standards how I will live my life. Sadly, some people think that it is wrong for someone like me to be happy with life, to rediscover joy and embrace life in general as disrespecting Kim’s memory, but actually it is honoring to her because again it was what she was adamant about concerning me and my life after she was no longer here with me. How do I handle such people and situations? Very simply I just don’t give them opportunity to give me any more “advice” on how I should grieve or live my life. Life is too short and has too much joy to be experienced to allow such negativity to be in your life. I guess to summarize all of this I will just put it like this: How much do I miss my bride? I miss her more than words can express! Even though I miss her, I am content with where God has me right now in this stage of my life. I am embracing life and try to find joy in life every day. I seek opportunities to try new things. I embrace those things that I am passionate about whether it has to do with my faith walk or with my hobbies and interests. I look forward and I am thankful for every new day that God allows me to see and want to experience each day like it is my last day!
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In my previous entry, I shared some of my experience of dealing with depression. During my years of growing up and even through adulthood, I never gave depression a lot of thought and even had the same thoughts at times like a lot of people that some people that talk about being depressed needed to just suck it up, but as I would find out depression is a very real disease that afflicts many people. Sadly, a lot of cases go undiagnosed and people needlessly suffer the effects for a life time. Many suffer and even while being treated for it live in a state of shame because it is perceived by many to be a sign of weakness or a sign of a lack of faith in God. I would be counted in this number when first diagnosed. I was a pastor! I spoke about having faith, living with joy and living without fear and now I found myself suffering from depression. As time went on and especially during the last 8-10 years, I realized that I could take what was meant for bad and use it for good. I realized that as a pastor, a husband and a father that my transparency in this area could help others realize that it is not a mark of shame and could be managed and even beat back. I have battled through several bouts and actually at the time of this writing, I am working through the latest round, but working through it successfully and feel like I am in the home stretch of winning this battle. Having shared this aspect of grief, many have asked me, “How have you gotten through this?”. First, I will say that it is a process and a process that I think can last a lifetime. I think when you lose someone that you love as much as I loved Kim, you will never cease to miss their presence in this life. I do believe and know from experience that grief changes in its intensity over time. When I say grief can last a lifetime, I mean that the missing that person will never cease. There will be moments when it will be heavier than others. Maybe when you hear a song, see a picture, when someone shares a story about your loved one or just sitting in the quietness of a room and missing the conversation that was a vital part of your life previously. For me the intense grief lasted several months, probably though about May or June. I would have moments of intense weeping or deep sadness. I firmly believe these intense periods of grief are actually a time of healing the broken heart. The Bible speaks about these seasons in Ecclesiastes 3:4, “..a time to weep, a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance”. Those moments of quietness when you get overwhelmed and empty yourself emotionally is healing to the mind and body. I did a lot of this for the first several months and I still have those moments and suppose I will for life. Overtime, I have experienced the mourning and weeping that the scriptures speak of, but as time marches on, I have been able to experience the healing of time and once again I know what it is to laugh and dance (more of dancing later..lol). As I shared in an earlier post, Kim was adamant in some of our final conversations about life after she would leave this world that I not grieve and quit living life. Over the last 5-6 months, I have started this second journey of rediscovering joy and I think she would be well pleased and thankful. I also look at this part of the process as living to respect what I had with her as part of my life. One thing that she told me was that “if you want to respect my memory and the legacy of our life together, don’t quit living and enjoying life. Get through the hard part of initial grief and then get busy living.” I spent my spring and summer expanding my garden, planting flowers, got into chicken raising, built a shed, built a greenhouse, got serious about exercising more and started traveling more. Music and listening to good music has become a big part of my life. All these things were very therapeutic and continue to be therapeutic for me. For me there is just something about running your hands through the coolness of rich dirt, watching plants grow from seed to harvest, observing animals that you are raising, taking a walk through the woods or just sitting by a fire in the fire pit while listening to music and listening to the sounds of nature in the night. I have become more intentional about reading and studying the scriptures not just to teach better, but for my own edification. I find that God’s word never fails to have just what I need at the moment I am in when I read it. My travels have been awesome. Seeing so much of our great nation. Since July I have driven or flown over 12,000 miles to different destinations. Going out west and experiencing some of the great unspoiled regions of our country is indescribable. All of these things have been a big part of e navigating this process. Of course, the love and encouragement of my family and friends have been a vital part of this process. I really don’t know how people without good family, friends and a church family navigate these things. I guess to close this out, I’ll give you the readers a few parting tips to maybe help navigate grief. One thing is for sure in this life. You are either headed toward a moment of grief, in the midst of a time of grief or on the backside of the process of grief. Here are some things that I found beneficial from my experience (understand that everyone’s experience is different, this is just from my view personally): 1) Remember God is ever present in your life 2) Allow friends and family to walk with you through the process 3) Allow yourself time to actually grieve 4) Allow yourself to laugh 5) Find or reestablish a hobby or hobbies and immerse yourself in it 6) Be intentional about finding new things to experience 7) In the instance of navigating the loss of a spouse, allow yourself to love again if God opens the door and it is what you desire 8)Plan and do things you have always wanted to do or try – life is short, go for it! This is not exhaustive list, but just some key things that have helped me and perhaps can help someone else. In my next writing, I plan to share about the pain of missing companionship and the rediscovery of love and companionship. I would ask that you continue to pray for my girls and me. Pray for me as I continue to share this experience and pray that it may be an encouragement and tool to help someone that may be going through this same process.
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I never dreamed or really thought about what life without my bride would be like. Looking back over this nearly one year, I have discovered that there was never really a way to be prepared , especially emotionally and mentally, until a person enters that experience. I have also discovered that everyone’s journey of grief looks and feels different in a lot of ways. After the first couple weeks, I immediately busied myself with learning the lay of the land as far as paying bills, banking, keeping a house going and all the other things that the spouse in a marriage sometimes takes for granted when the other spouse just handles those things. After, a few weeks of all the busyness the reality of missing my bride really set in a big way. In years past since tragically losing my dad and Kim’s first diagnosis coming on the heels of my dad’s death, I entered a state of depression. I had never dealt with depression on a personal level until 2013, but I quickly found out that it will hit you like a sledge hammer. I battled through that first battle of depression with the Lord’s help and a lot of encouragement from my bride. In the years leading up to Kim’s passing, it would rear its head again from time to time, but from about 2017 until Kim’s passing I had not dealt with it. This would all change in early April. It was this time that I entered perhaps the darkest valley where my mental health was concerned. I found myself literally not wanting to even get of bed in the mornings. I was trying to continue to balance a post retirement career and of course continued to pastor my church. By the way, I want to say that I will forever be in debt to my church family for the way they ministered to us throughout the years of Kim’s battles, but especially for the way they loved on us that last year of Kim’s life and in the weeks and months following her death even up until today. Some of my key leaders in my church knew the struggle that I was having emotionally and mentally. They came to me in late April and offered me a 6 week sabbatical to allow me to unplug from my responsibilities. I am the type pastor that does not like to be away from those responsibilities, but I knew it was somethingI needed for my own health and the health of our church so I accepted the offer. I also was working full time at Teledyne Brown in Huntsville and was blessed to work for a couple Godly men that recognized the same thing that my church leaders recognized and offered me 6 weeks of leave which I took. The first thing I did was that following week was secure a cabin that belongs to an aunt and uncle in the middle of nowhere in the woods in middle Tennessee. No cell service, nothing but the sounds of nature, a crackling fire at night, fishing during the day was just what I needed to start this journey back to mental health and to get me started in earnest to get through the grieving process. I also, started grief counseling which was one of the best decisions I have made through this whole process. I also had started a journey to better health physically in January and continued that journey mainly due to a diagnosis on January 21st of Type 2 diabetes. I started eating clean, began exercising serious and from January 2025 to January 1, 2026 I had lost 113 pounds. All these things combined, helped me to start healing mentally. One thing I have learned is that physical well being and mental well being are linked without a doubt. While I would still have days where the depression would seem to start creeping back, I was learning to recognize it and cope with it. I picked up new hobbies such as increasing the scope of my garden and even have gone into raising chickens. There is just something about putting your hands in the dirt and caring for animals that is therapeutic for me. I started setting goals where my health was concerning, travel goals and goals where my hobbies were concerned. As July closed, my summer had been full of hard work involving a lot of gardening, setting up things for my new flock of chickens, building a storage shed and building a greenhouse. One of the goals that I set way back in July was to be able to quit taking most if not all the medicine that I was taking for various things from cholesterol to depression. In August, I met that goal! I am currently only taking a med for blood pressure! I did have another bout with depression around the holidays, but seemed to have navigated that and pulled out of that as it stands now. The grieving process has been the hardest thing that I have journeyed through in my life. As stated earlier, there is really no way to prepare for it, but rather once you enter the process you just have to figure out how to navigate it in your own way. Some things I have learned are the following: 1) You never have a right to tell someone that is grieving, how to grieve – it’s different for everyone 2) Allow yourself time to grieve, but do not allow it take dominance over your life 3) Be a better listener to those that are grieving rather than being quick to give advice 4) I learned to be much more compassionate toward those struggling with mental health issues – mental illness is every bit as real as physical illness, to say differently is a show of ignorance 5) Find things to keep you busy, but busy yourself with things that have purpose and are not just “busy work”. 6) Embrace life because it is fleeting. Try new things and experiences 7) Do not let other people define your happiness and joy. Trust me people will try and define this for you when you lose your spouse 8) Do not make time for drama and drama seeking people – life is too short. 9). Finally, when the Lord tells us in His word that “I will never leave you or forsake you”, He means it! Until my next writing, go live life!
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In the months after getting the diagnosis of Acute MDS in March 2024 and being told that a stem cell transplant was not an option, the reality set in for Kim and I that this battle would be one that short of a miracle would eventually take the life of my bride. Kim as she had always done previously, kept that positive attitude while also knowing the terminal nature of MDS. She persevered with such courage and optimism that will always leave me in awe. Short term, she wanted to feel well enough to have a normal Christmas with our kids and grandkids. The Lord blessed her with making this desire a reality. She was able to actually enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas and for that we were so thankful that God allowed her the stamina to do these things. One of the most difficult things was having those discussions with my bride about life after she went home to be with the Lord. In the months before her passing we had several of those hard discussions. In true Kim style, she was not concerned for herself because she knew in the end she would have ultimate victory, but she turned her concern for me and my girls. Kim had done so much throughout our whole marriage that kept or home running like a fine oiled machine, but she begin to invest a lot of time teaching me things about how things worked from the financial part, to cooking, to cleaning and just things that I suppose I had just been used to her taking care of in our marriage. Probably the most difficult conversations of those days took place in late January of last year (2025). First, she finally pinned me down to talk about her funeral. I was not prepared for this discussion, but I knew that she believed her time was short and she wanted, again, to make things easier for myself and the girls. She had taken time to plan her music, where it would be and unknown to me who would speak. I asked her who she would like to preach her funeral and she looked at me with a smile and simply responded that she would like for me to do her funeral service. As much as I would dread that day, I had no thought of telling her no. Her reasoning was based in the deep love we had for one another and like she said, “No one knows me better than you do and I also know that you will not only honor me, but more importantly will honor the Lord with your words”. Of course, I only could say yes through my tears in that moment. Looking back many times, I would not trade the opportunity to speak at my bride’s funeral for every penny of money in this world. The other difficult conversation was the one we had about her desire for me personally. She adamantly told me that when she was gone that her desire was for me to get through the grieving process and find someone else to love as I had loved her. She said one reason was that after 34 years together, she knew I would need a woman in my life to survive…lol. The other reason was that she said that she did not want me to be alone especially at our age because there was yet a lot of life to live for me and it needed to be shared with someone that would not only love me, but would be willing to be loved by me. The thought of this in that moment shook me to my core, but now I see it as one of the most loving and unselfish acts that my bride expressed to me. I will have more to share about this part of my life since her death in a later post. As we worked our way through January and early February, Kim begin to have to have more blood transfusions and more platelets infused because the MDS was more rapidly killing her red blood cells and destroying her platelets. She begin to experience severe shortages of breath because of the rate at which her red cells were being destroyed. In the early morning hours of February 17, 2025, she woke me up because her rate had become really elevated and her shortness of breath had become very severe. I knew when she asked that I call an ambulance that things were not good. She was taken to Huntsville Hospital and admitted on February 17, 2025. Of course knowing what she was dealing with, they immediately begin giving transfusions, but as the week progressed it became obvious that the MDS had progressed that even with transfusions her system could not reproduce enough red cells and platelets to be effective. Then with a glimmer of hope on Wednesday of that week, she showed a little improvement, but it was short-lived. As Thursday of that week came, things turned drastically downhill and she had to start using oxygen. It broke my heart in an inexpressible way to see my bride struggle so much to breathe. As we moved into the midnight hour of Friday morning, she asked me to help her to the restroom and then we came back to her bed and she wanted to sit on the side of the bed with me for a moment. We just sat and held each other and then she said I am hot and need a cool rag and we rang the nurse and ask for the cool rag for her forehead. We then hugged one last time, said I love you to each other and I helped her lay back down and gently gave her a kiss. I went back to my reclining chair and laid down, but then about 5 minutes later the moment I had dreaded arrived. The nurse came in and tried to wake her up and got no response. I immediately jumped up and called out to her and quickly realized that my bride was gone. The nurses and doctor immediately started CPR and actually got her back and then quickly moved her to the ICU. She, however crashed again on the way to the ICU and was placed on a ventilator. The doctor, who by the way was probably the most professional and compassionate doctor I had ever dealt with, came in and explained to me what the options looked like. One thing Kim had been adamant about was when that time came that she did not want to be kept alive with machines so we made the decision to unhook everything. By this time my family and Kim’s family had arrived and we were able to spend some final moments with Kim. Finally, at 2:15am on February 21, 2025, my bride drew her last breath and I believe based on scripture entered the presence of our Lord. I could never express the crushing of my heart accurately with words even though I knew in that moment after fighting many battles with this hellish disease, she had finally won the war and was totally healed. Of all the moments in our life that we shared together, that time just before she passed away we spent on the side of her hospital bed just holding one another and saying we loved one another is the most precious time of our life together. Precious because in so many cases people don’t get to tell a loved one they love them just before they leave this world. So many thoughts crossed my mind in the hours and days following her passing. I wondered what she was seeing, who she was seeing, what she was doing. I wondered how I would navigate life without my love and best friend. I wondered how I would help my girls and grandkids navigate this moment. After making the preparations for my brides service, the night of the visitation arrived. We were overwhelmed at the amount of people that came to pay the respects to this woman I had been honored to share life with for 34 1/2 years. The funeral director said they lost count at 600 people. The funeral day arrived and in the night before and morning of I struggled with how I would get through the service speaking at my brides funeral, but as I arrived at the church the peace that overcame me was I believe divine in nature and can not be explained in any other way, but the Holy Spirit totally enveloping me in peace that only God can give us. The funeral was beautiful. Kim wanted congregational singing and did not want it to be a drab and sad time. I believe we honored her request. I realize that I have shared a lot of details in these posts so far and especially in this post, but it was our story from beginning to end in this life. I loved my wife in a way that I believe needed to be shared to honor her and maybe offer encouragement to others that may even in this moment be living through these type things. She lived life with joy, peace, faithfulness to the Lord, undying love for her family and peace. I am thankful to our Lord that in her final moments in this old fallen world that he granted her a peaceful home going. She lived a life well lived and I believe her impact on many was great. I am definitely a better man for her being my bride and my best friend. In the weeks ahead as part of this series, I will be sharing what my life has been like since my bride went home to be with the Lord. I plan to be very transparent about the struggles, the things learned, how I have navigated this nearly past year and where I am now. As the title of these posts says. I will share about the joy, heartbreak and the joy being rediscovered. Thank you to those that have taken time so far to read these posts and those that offered encouraging words as I have written about the story of mine and Kim’s life together.
Thoughts of a Sojourner 